Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Goals made and some acheived

I've made several goals for myself, and have actually achieved some. Others will take time to reach, that's the way it works though. Last weeks goals were to start getting Jerry's things packed and ready for him to pick up, get Julie's car out of my yard, get Jeff's stuff out of the house, start getting rubbish out for bulk trash pick up, and start the paperwork for a Legal Separation. Last weeks goals achieved: all of them!

This weeks goals are to get more of Jerry's stuff packed (if I wait for him to do it, it may not get done), finish one more item finished for State Fair entry, get a job, get information on going back to school, and get resume written. I have written and sent out my resume, signed up at, have had two interviews at Temporary services, and have one more interview tomorrow. I have an appointment with a college adviser on Friday, I want to become a counselor. I am still working on the item for the State Fair, I am almost done with it, it and other things will be turned into the fair on Saturday. I will post pictures of these items at some point in time.

I have also been meditating everyday, and doing Tai Chi. I have found that both of these things have helped me to become focused and to generally feel allot better. Even though I am not a morning person I have been waking up before 8 am every morning without using an alarm clock.

I want to thank everyone who listened, gave me a shoulder to cry on, prayed for me, sent good thoughts my way, and was generally very supportive. I appreciate everyone of you, and I will be talking to you all again about how I feel and what is going on in my life. Thank you all for being in my life and for your help.

Live fully......I finally am......

Monday, September 10, 2007

Life changing events

Life has taken some strange twists and turns in the past week or so. Jerry has decided to leave me. The reasons that he has given me seem very superficial, not that they aren't true, just doesn't really seem to be "marriage breaking" reasons. He says he wants to live on his own, he doesn't want to put me through the worsening of his emphysema, he can't make me happy, musicians make lousy husbands, and other things like this. He can't even look me in the eyes when he is telling me his reasons.

He had a few complaints about me, I'm not a great house keeper, and I've been depressed off and on for several years, so things didn't get done that should have. I agreed that I shouldn't have let the house or myself go, so I started doing the things that I should do. It was a few days after this that he told me he was leaving me. You will all be glad to know that I am still cleaning things up, though it will take time to get the house back into shape.

At first I was very upset, cried for a long time that day and into that night. Then I was angry, very angry because I couldn't believe that he wanted to leave for such simple reasons. I cried some more, after that I was just pissed. I was mad for most of this past weekend. Sometime Sunday afternoon I went from being mad to being frustrated over the whole thing. I'm frustrated that he hinted at others that he would be leaving before he said anything to me. I'm frustrated that he can't face his own demons, denies that they even exist. I'm frustrated that he won't or can't say what the underlying reason he wants to leave really is. I am very familiar with my own problems, and bad habits, and I'm working on them.

I think that a marriage should be worked at, that problems should be worked though. I don't like giving up on this marriage without even trying to work out the problems, yet that's what he wants to do. So, with that in mind, I went to the court house today and filed for a Legal Separation. It is the best way for me to protect myself, get what I need, and I'll be able to initiate counseling. We both could use the counseling.

I feel stronger now than I ever have before. I'm growing as a person, and will continue to do so through this whole separation/counseling/divorce thing that I have to go through.

Live fully.....